When I Thought I Misunderstood God's Promises

University of the Philippines Los Baños. View from the Physical Sciences Building, my workplace.

It’s been more than a month since I last updated this blog. I had just entered a new season in my life: I recently moved to Los Baños to work as a researcher at the University of the Philippines! That was not all though as I also submitted an application to be part of the Physics faculty starting next semester. There were seven applicants vying for two slots. This week, the decision on my application finally came: I was not considered to be part of the institute’s faculty.

To me, this particular job application isn’t an ordinary one. It was not just some job posting that I came across online and decided to submit an application to. It was not simply a suggestion by anyone just to keep me going in my career. I prayed and waited for this. I wrestled with God for this. God knows how much I desire learning and helping other people learn through teaching. There was peace in my heart that it was God’s will and that pushed me to apply for the job. I was holding on to a promise [Joshua 1:13].

In April last year, I confided to my friend Hazel (screenshot from her) about God's word to me. 

I've heard rumors on the profile of my fellow applicants. There were PhDs and PhD students who already had far greater experience both in teaching and research than me, and who was I? A 23-year old girl with a master’s degree completed in the shortest time possible who is about to teach classes for the first time if ever she gets the post. To put it bluntly, I was in all aspects a novice but there I was, pursuing by nothing else but faith. I got shaken a bit but I told myself, “That’s okay. No man shall ever stand before me if it is God who prompted me to do this thing [Joshua 1:5].” The Word got me driven that although I think I’m too young for an Assistant Professor position (this rank is automatically given by the institute for master’s degree holders), I have the confidence to pursue because I am assured that God doesn’t call the equip but He equips the called. There was a promise that I was holding on to and I am sure that my hope and trust in God will not be in vain. I know that in the end, God will prove himself faithful.

Upon learning the result, there was nonchalance when I said, “Aww di ako natanggap. Sad.” (I was not accepted.) That email came as a huge blow to me. One year, God. I waited for this for one year. For a few seconds, I stared and just tried to suck everything up. I tried to feel indifferent since I was in the lab at that time and there were six people around me so I didn’t want to breakdown. I tried to feel unbothered because I still have work to do—it was only 3:45 PM and I’m not going home until 5! But every minute I tried to feel okay, I failed. My heart was pounding. I could feel that familiar lump in my throat as I fought to hold back my tears. The next thing I knew, I was sniffing and *finally* crying. My supervisor in my research job—who is also my undergraduate thesis adviser, academic mom, and career mentor—was so sweet to ask me out and treat me for a drink at Starbucks. 

It wasn’t until I got home that I was able to burst my tears and pour my heart out to God. The was profound grief all over. It’s one thing to be rejected of something which you trivially gave a shot; but it’s a whole new level of pain to be denied of something promised, especially if it was one given by God. 

Was everything a misunderstanding?

Was my heart not aligned with God all along?

Was I believing and hoping for the wrong thing? 

I know that God was with me all throughout the process and I acknowledge that it was God who eventually shut these doors for me. God made this happen; He willed it. To you who might have experienced the same thing, rest assured that God is pleased to see you stepping out of your faith. God is pleased to see the David in you battling your own Goliaths with that faith anchored in Him. God is never wrong about anything. Our future is not an afterthought; God has laid everything for us before we came to this world [Psalms 139:16]! I now rest on the fact that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose [Romans 8:28]. Sometimes, God throws in some plot twists to show us that what He has in store is far better than what we think is best for us. He is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think [Ephesians 3:20]! He lets us experience failures so we can understand His grace even more. I understand that this process takes time. We experience rejections, but that is not to look down on ourselves; rather, so we can witness firsthand how God orchestrates our lives for His glory. In our pain, may we find the strength to entrust our souls to our faithful Creator while continuing to do good [1 Peter 4:19]. :)